now i know why i became what i already was.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
