i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Do you still have your period?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
