remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I looked at my own cervix.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
