So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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