Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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