Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
