life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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