Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
