Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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