My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
