theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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