i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
