the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
we're so committed to being not committed
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
