You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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