please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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