I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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