um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize