Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
