Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
