I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
