Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize