Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
it was like eating out sand paper
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
