Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize