So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
