I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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