Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
