the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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