That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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