So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
40s are totally the cure
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
