Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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