two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
