Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
