Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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