oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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