That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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