We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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