my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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