Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
