The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
