drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
