I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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