i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
