Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
