Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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