Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
