I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
