People in love make me want to vomit
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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