why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
