all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Did I show you my penis last night?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize