summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
