porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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