I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
