You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
