One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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