I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
