Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
