the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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