hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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