just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
