my phone needs a breathalizer
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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