I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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