I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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