I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
