Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
