man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize