Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
