i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
