did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
