nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
how drunk are you?
Several
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
