life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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