I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
