I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
