omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
