I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
