Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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