What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize