Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm both gender and math confused
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
