does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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