i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
