So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
