well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize