Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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